A winning flush

It has been a life-long ambition to produce the GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL. Except you know, written in Canada .... by a Brit. There are those who have suggested becoming an astrophysicist was not the way to go about this. Their points largely focus on the difficulty of placing the word 'physicist' with 'socially perceptive masterpiece' in the same sentence.

They may have been right.

I realised my galaxy simulations were not making the cut. What I needed was a topic everyone could relate to. One full of inner meaning, gut wrenching suspense and satisfactory endings. Then it came to me:

Toilets.

Are not these white porcelain bowls of glassy water a key part of every person's day? Moreover, are there not some days when it is a positive highlight to be near one, if only because there is a 50% chance the person you are trying to avoid is not allowed to follow you into the restroom? You may laugh, but not for long because:

BOOYAH! I won the Leap Local Travel Story Competition[*]!

For toilets. Yes. Japanese ones to be precise.

I admit that a 500 word article perhaps can't be classified as the full classic novel, but with an expansion into different plumbing across the globe, I think I can easily expand it to rival all 7 of the Harry Potter novels. Just think of the movies!

The editor of Leap Local reported what a couple of the judges had said about my piece. One, an American author, commented:

"Informative, witty, focused. Author understands that a single slice of pie reveals the taste of the whole. We see all of Japan in these metonymical toilets."

..... I'm really hoping I still have friends in Tokyo after this.


[*]Leap Local run a website (and newsletter) that contains recommendations for travellers in different countries. People contribute tips for accommodation, eating, site seeing and other services that might not necessarily be found in a standard guide book.

Advent jabs

Tallis: "Meow!"

Me: "Meow."

Tallis: "Meeeeooooooowwwww!"

Me: "Meeeeeooooowwww."

Tallis: "Mowowowowwww!"

Me: "......"

Tallis: "........ meow?"

While the beginning of December marks the start of the Christmas celebrations for many, for Tallis and I it means that her annual vaccinations are due. It is not our favourite time of the year. She was already in her carrier, having entered back first; a feat only to be surpassed one hour later when she entered head first for the return journey. Needless to say, her displeasure at the situation was being vocalised.

I pushed open the door and placed the cat carrier on the front step while I locked the house up. To my surprise, there was silence behind me. I turned to see a giant pompom of fur with two shocked looking eyes in its centre. I suppose it was rather cold.

OK, it was snowing.

But the veterinary practice was only around the corner and at least we didn't have to drive anywhere. I headed off down the street, carrying my silent companion. The vet was a cheerful woman who clearly loved animals. It could have been a meeting full of seasonal cheer, but unfortunately Tallis' vocal chords had de-thawed in record time and she didn't hesitate to inform the poor vet exactly what she thought of her.

Oh, it was terrible (she protested to me, to the vet, to the veterinary nurse who dropped in later, to the receptionist at the front desk and to the cat that was coming in after us. Well, actually, that last one might have been random abuse.) This vile, cat-hating minion of Satan looked in my EARS and then she poked my TUMMY and then she listened to my CHEST and oh! It was bad.

The vet also gave her the vaccination shot, but oddly that didn't seem to register as problematic. The tummy inspection though? Hell. On. Earth. Right there.

The final verdict was health 90% (possibility of asthma to keep an eye on) and charm 2%. We left to make the blustery journey back home.

Me: "There. Was that really so bad?"

Tallis: ..... Didn't you see she touched my TUMMY?!?!

We are now watching the snow from the living room. I have a mug of tea which I narrowly resisted added whisky too (largely because I had only pure malt and it would be a waste to mix it) and Tallis is trying to sleep beside me. I say 'trying' because I'm on the watch for any side-effects from the vaccinations which I've translated as the need to poke her every few minutes.

Me: "Aren't you glad I'm at home to look after you?"

Tallis: .........